Tough Love

I believe the last question I left you with was how exactly my family and I moved forward from a virtual bipolar stalemate.  I was guilt-ridden, although in retrospect I hadn’t technically done anything wrong.  My husband was feeling like (or at least this is how I perceived it) every wrong he had ever committed was now null and void, and that because he suffered from this mood disorder he was somehow exempt from all adult responsibility. 

It was tough – really, really tough.  The house, the yard, everything that we had was completely let go.  I couldn’t keep up.  I was doing all that I could, but I was now the keeper for EVERYTHING, which in a marriage two people are supposed to shoulder together.  I had a lot of anger for past hurts Lee had heartlessly inflicted, and I had major forgiveness issues (duh).

Lee, on the other hand, had absolutely no remorse.  He said that he did.  He said all of the right words to our marriage counselor and his therapists, but his actions did not prove his words.  Words without actions mean nothing except to prove that a person is being dishonest about what they are saying.  Naturally, he was the picture of fatherhood and the model spouse in front of others, but there was a dramatic difference when no one was looking.  Extremes were the game - it was just as bad as it seemed good to others behind our closed doors.

Plus, Lee’s medications were being really hard on his body and his mind.  And I was a very nauseous pregnant lady with a major dose of depression who had been taken out of work entirely.  Thank goodness for the support of family and friends – somehow our little daughter was protected from most of the chaos by very strategic overnights with her aunts!  But more than anything, I thank the Lord for providing me with the strength to endure both the mania and the depression, and everything in between.

I’ve made absolutely no bones about the fact that if everything that happened hadn’t happened in the very timeframe that they did, I most likely would be a divorced single mother today.  But, my pregnancy with my son slowed me down…and, as I prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed, I received some peace from the Father.  Not peace with everything that had happened as much as peace that no matter what happened I would always be His, and that everything that happened was for my good and His glory.

I determined within myself, as hard as it was, that when the anger came (and it came often) I would pray for my husband and all those who had almost destroyed our family.  With my whole heart, I would pray for them despite all of the wrongs that had been inflicted on me. 

And, I also determined that I would take a rational look at the bipolar demon as objectively as possible.  When I did, I saw that having this horrible mood altering disorder had definitely changed my husband, and along with him, our whole life together.  I also realized that having a mental issue does not necessarily give a person the right to do nothing, or to do whatever they want when they feel like it.

Although his condition definitely affected the way he was able to think, he did have some choices.  And particularly, with medication he was increasingly responsible.  There is a very fine line between helping a bipolar spouse get on their feet, and allowing them to manipulate their partner into enabling them to remain stagnant.

The Lord revealed to me that although I really hadn’t been a bad wife, and although I wasn’t responsible for what had happened, I still had to change my actions to make our marriage work.  I had to quit taking the blame and stop allowing my own manipulation.  Tough love is hard, probably harder on the one having to distribute it, but it is a strong love. 

Tough love is the way that the Lord loves us.  He spares us as much as He can, but when He has to, He allows us to endure some hardship.  It makes us grow, and it makes us stronger and it makes us better. Jesus changed His whole life for us even when He had done nothing wrong.  He came to earth and He endured pain, torture and humiliation so that we could one day be with Him.  We should all strive to accept that challenge even though it is beyond terrifying.  Rest assured, we can never do such things on our own; but with Jesus, all things are possible!  I believe it!  And it is so!  Ain’t it good, folks!

P.S.  Just a note…if anyone has left a comment and I haven’t responded, it is because there is currently an issue with that particular part of my blog.  I’m working to correct it.  Cheers!