Let me begin today by explaining how I come upon this topic. I was at a good friend’s house last week. She is pretty familiar with the bipolar situation my family lives with every day, and she and I often share a thing or two about life. She asked me if I loved my husband, or if I were only staying because I thought I was being led to. That blew me away! Wow! Eye opener, dude!
Let me say, from the bottom of my big ole heart, that I absolutely love that man all around the world and back again! We have had some rocky times, and dealing with bipolar disorder so up close and personal is not easy (can we say, ‘understatement’). Sometimes I’m scared of what might be around the corner. Often, I am terrified of more pain and rejection. Occasionally, I’m even afraid of good times. But, I have never stopped loving my husband. Not ever.
The question of whether to stay or go, actually, was not (and is not) about love at all. During the moments where I have thought of leaving, I had good reasons, and none of them had anything to do with a lack of love for Lee. As a matter of fact, I don’t think that I will ever be able to stop loving him, barring if he were to hurt one of my kids. If that ever happened, we would be in a whole other territory of no man’s land. But, seeing as he really is a great daddy, I don’t anticipate that ever happening. I’m pretty sure that we are likeminded in the “We’d die before hurting our kids intentionally” department.
Choosing a path that continues to run parallel or one that diverges from one’s spouse, in this situation at least, has to do with survival. It has to do with giving one’s kids a stable life. It has to do with keeping one’s own sanity and health. It is centered on what is best for everyone involved, because I have sometimes wondered if the kids and I were only making things worse for the poor man. I thought maybe he could stabilize faster without us adding responsibilities to his life.
So, as you read, please understand that although I believe passionately that I have been led by the Holy Spirit to stay right where I am, I do also love my husband in a way that I have never loved anyone else before in my life.
Bipolar disorder does not define him, but it can change him. And through him, it can change me and my kids. That is reason enough for a good mother to thoroughly pray over her choices and, when no answer seems to be the right one, choose to follow the guide of the One who knows all. I truly believe that Jesus has me, my husband and my children in His hands, and that all things work for us because we love Him.
To my dear friend who helped to open my eyes to what it may seem like I was saying, thank you for being brave enough to ask the hard questions. If you read this know that you were heard, and your words of support and help are greatly appreciated.
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