Lee isn't the only one of us learning how to live again in this bipolar relationship. I’m relearning how to live, too. I’m seeing why I married my husband in the first place...there was a seemingly endless span of time when I couldn't have told anyone why I had done something so crazy!
Do I still get scared that he is really just hiding things from me, and really just manipulating my loyalty and love? Absolutely. Every. Single. Day. But I’ve given it to the Lord.
When all of the scary thoughts and memories comes back (because they always do), I turn right around and give it back to God…again! I imagine we (me and God, that is) do this maybe five or six times a day! But that sure is a whole lot better than the forty or fifty times a day we started out with! I’m not sure that it’s a lack of faith in God that keeps me from resting easy…I think it is more from sheer terror that I keep picking that yoke back up.
I love my husband. I love my family. I see clearly now that bipolar disorder is an animal. Like all animals it can be domesticated, but every once in a while, its true nature is revealed and episodes come back to rear their ugly heads. Any one of you who is dealing with manic depression, whether you're the diagnosed or the diagnosed's caretaker, should expect this to be an ongoing process. People who are bipolar are born with it, and there is no cure.
Read the signs that indicate an episode is coming on, and try not to get blindsided by those symptoms that you have to deal with most. I know before my husband when he is about to go into even a minor episode. For him, disturbance in his sleeping pattern is one of the first indications that things are not right. When he starts to have violent dreams (which he enacts physically while sound asleep) I know that something is up.
I start communicating with him right away about anything that is bothering him, any other bipolar symptoms he may be experiencing (that he isn't telling me about), any hallucinations, and whether he's been taking his medicine like he should. HE HATES IT...and, I DON'T CARE! It's for his good, my good and our children's good...so there! Many times episodes can be headed off at the pass before they're too bad, but that can't happen when involved parties bury their heads in the sand.
That’s how I handle the back and forth. And no matter how hard I try, I do still get blindsided from time to time. I try really hard not to beat myself up over it, though. Contrary to popular belief, spouses who are trying to hang in there with their manic or depressed significant other are not super human. Of course, most often I do kick myself a few times, whether I should or not. Then I give it to the only One who knows what to do with it anyway! (That would be Jesus, of course!)
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