My Late Bipolar Reaction

Lee and I have been having some great days between ourselves lately, but I’m telling you, it seems like the whole wide world is against us.  Thank goodness that he is stable right now. 

 We’ve had some major problems with our daughter (not of her doing), a myriad of minor household disasters ranging from a deceased heat pump to a flooded bathroom floor, and my workload has doubled (that's good but also quite stressful).  All of this in less than three weeks.  It has been more than hectic –it’s been downright crazy.  And with all of the stress and strain that is totally non-bipolar related I have noticed something about myself that I truly do not know what to do with or how to handle.  I call it my late bipolar reaction.

This reaction is the one where I get tiffed with my honey-bunny-man for doing absolutely nothing wrong.  Not a little angry; furiously enraged.  Complete paranoia reigns when I get this way.  I recognize depression signs.  It’s a defiant attitude I have when he’s doing everything right.  It’s the obsession that pushes me to take little rides to make sure he’s at work when he says he is. 

Do I have a problem?  Absolutely.  What should I do about it?  Couldn’t tell you.  

Since we’re at an in between time where we’re making it financially, but still can’t afford health insurance for me, therapy for myself is out of the question.  Heck, bipolar disorder is darn expensive.  A few hundred bucks of medication a month, plus another couple hundred in therapy and doctor’s visits makes the budget a little tight at times.  Not to mention how hard it is to find a therapist whose first and last thoughts are not, Leave him, girl.  He's looney."

The only thing I know to do about my late bipolar reaction is pray about it, and then pray some more.  I’m brutally honest with my husband as well, because I completely expect him to be brutally honest with me about everything.  Better the demons I know and all that.  By putting my thoughts and feelings out there, no matter how irrational they are, it takes a little of the steam out of them.  It shows him that I'm practicing what I preach in a big way.

Seeing his reaction goes a long way toward my peace of mind.  I see that he loves me anyway, just like I love him anyway.  I see that I am not alone although in the midst of bipolar struggles it sometimes seems so.  When I say, “You might be mad at me, but I stalked your truck again.” And he responds something along the lines of, “Do you feel better knowing I was where I should be?” without a hint of anger or meanness; it helps.  When there’s just deep understanding and a ‘honey, I know we’re both doing the best we can’ feel to what he says, it goes a long way toward healing the hurts of the past. 

My bipolar reaction is scary and downright painful for me and for my mate.  But when used effectively for the uplifting of our marriage, it is also bringing a new and deeper dimension to our relationship that otherwise would never have been.  Thank the Lord for it all because He holds us in His hands.